Kelly Oxford is .

A wunderkind producer of pirated stage productions for six-year-olds

Not the queen from the world

An underage schnitzel-house dishwasher

The kid who stood up to bully and almost passed out from the resulting adrenaline rush

A born salesman

Capable of willing her eyesight to become 20/20

That girl who peed her jeans in the gas station that one time

Totally a specialist on strep throat

Incapable of making Leonardo DiCaprio her sweetheart

A writer

A qualified therapy assistant who heals with Metallica mixtapes

“Not fat enough to be super snuggly.” -Bea, age group four

Not over using raspberry-studded sh*t to get out of a speeding ticket

“Bitingly funny. But everyone knows that.” -Roger Ebert

Sad that David Copperfield doesn’t personal a falcon

An awful liar